Dear Eric: I have spent a year helping my elderly parents sell their house and pay off large debts, mainly due to my mother’s spending and savings.
My father can’t manage anything because of health problems. I got help from my family so I’m not alone in this. I am still very involved in helping them financially and with doctors. They are in a small rental now with no maintenance or yard work.
My issue is the negative feelings I have about my mother because we went to pack her house, move it, deal with the movers, those who throw away garbage, inheritances and the sale of houses.
He always comments that we take his things and take his money (not true, but it is kept safe because of his mismanagement of money).
He also makes hand-wringing thanks and criticisms of the way we do everything. It’s hard to be with him.
Our relationship was not good from the beginning. I have started therapy and I understand that I can’t change him or have the same expectations of him as he can, but I still have a lot of resentment and bad feelings towards him. I’m not sure how to proceed.
– Rested Helping Hand
A Dear Helping Hand: I’m glad you’ve started treatment. This is a long journey, but you have taken the right first step.
Your therapist can help you sort out what is yours and what emotions or feelings you can release. Your therapist can also help you set good boundaries with your mother, because it sounds like that will be necessary.
A boundary won’t stop him from talking, but it can give you options about what to do and how to say it and how to get yourself out of situations that hurt your emotional state.
It also helps to properly size your mom’s response. His hoarding and financial mismanagement were likely the result of trauma, perhaps trauma that occurred early in his life. That trauma has not been resolved and so you are still suffering, but without the same coping mechanisms. He is also saddened by the loss of his property. Therefore, it may help you to remember that some of this is the pain of your mother speaking.
You can’t take that away, but you can help guide him in the tools to deal with it. If he is open to seeing a therapist, that would be great.
You can also talk to a financial advisor about other ways to keep his money safe. It doesn’t sound healthy for him to have unrestricted access to it, but there may be ways for him to feel empowered and you to feel less responsible for keeping him away from his worst ideas.
Dear Eric: What do you think of someone who asks to come to your house for dinner, then asks for leftovers to take home?
I was surprised by this. This is our relative.
– Home Chef
Dear Cook: I guess it’s a sign that the food was good enough to want to enjoy it a second time. I would take that as a compliment. And if you don’t want to part with the leftovers, you can say “no.”
Hi Eric: I would like to expand on your answer to “Heritage and Extras” about where collectors can go to gather information on the value of their antiques and other items.
Certified appraisers are the best source of value analysis. These people specialize in different collection areas and can provide the latest prices under different conditions such as swap, auction and retail store price.
Appraisers can research appraisers online by visiting the websites of the Appraisers Association of America, the American Society of Appraisers and the International Society of Appraisers. Appraisers should not charge a percentage of the item’s value or offer to buy any items as both of these activities may affect the prices offered.
Large auction houses occasionally offer free inspection days. Finally, there are various price guides (for example, Kovels) that can be consulted that report the prices of various items sold at auctions, fairs, flea markets and stores.
Local dealers are usually of little help unless the dealers are experts in the area of collecting property owners.
Generally, collectors must have an inspection completed by a certified appraiser before approaching any potential buyers of their items. Information is the best tool to ensure that items are sold at prices commensurate with their value.
– Fair Examination
Hello Dear: Thank you for this complete understanding. Some readers also suggested that the author reach out to a downsizing specialist, who might be able to help them organize and connect the family with the evaluator. There are many good options. Thank you for your comment.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
