DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started a new job, and I feel like my leaders don’t care about my progress.
I ask my manager in our personal meetings if there are some things I can work on to be better at work. He always says that I am doing well and there is nothing I need to fix.
In hindsight, that sounds reassuring, but I have a feeling it’s not entirely true. There are times when I hear doubts in his voice or see small corrections in my work that he never brings up in our formal discussions. It leaves me confused as to where I stand in the company.
I don’t want to appear insecure, but I want positive feedback so that I can grow and add more value to the team. As someone who is ambitious and wants to succeed, I am worried that I might fail if I don’t get the right guidance.
How can I encourage transparent feedback without seeming pushy to my boss? How do I know if my instincts are right, or if I’m overthinking the situation?
– Unstable Foot
LOVE UNSTABLE FOOT: Look around your company or your industry. You need a mentor, someone you can confide in about what’s going on and gain insight into how to move forward.
Continue to visit your manager regularly, ask for tips on improving your skills or managing certain tasks, but trust your gut and seek additional support.
Dear HARRIETTE: Whenever I share a conflict, a difficult problem or something I’m good at with a certain friend of mine, I’ve noticed that he responds by over-explaining — often as if I don’t fully understand my situation or my abilities.
For example, if I talk about a personal story, he will reframe it in basic terms, offer unsolicited lessons or explain my feelings and motivations as if he just discovered them. When I talk about professional experience, he will break it or correct me in ways that feel unnecessary and irrelevant.
What saddens me the most is that this is a person who considers me a peer and a friend.
I don’t think you mean to be unkind – I’ve noticed that you do this to a lot of people – but the pattern makes me feel incredibly undervalued and invisible in my own life. I’ve started to hold back on sharing, which feels healthy again.
How can I tell if this is something that can change or if it is a sign that our power is no longer respected?
– Don’t love me
DEAR, DON’T LOVE ME: I’m going to guess that your friend believes that talking about his understanding of your situation shows that you are listening carefully. Even if it doesn’t work for you, that’s what his behavior shows to me. He listens carefully and makes a real effort to add something meaningful to what you have to say by giving you comments.
Tell him clearly that it bothers you a lot if he does this.
Explain how his answers make sense to you. Add that even though you can tell that you are paying attention clearly, what you want more than anything else is for him to listen without paraphrasing – to just hear you, not try to solve anything. Tell him clearly how his communication style makes you feel.
Harriette Cole is the founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people reach and make their dreams work. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
