Dear ABBY: I have always looked inside a person before passing judgment. I have been best friends with my neighbor “Tim” for six years. I always thought of him as Kramer from “Seinfeld.”
I have OCD. I am a clean person. I work hard to provide for myself and my children. Tim is in all government programs. He is a collector. His dog is dirty, and Tim has to leave notes around his house to “remind” himself to wash his hands. Tim is the opposite of me politically. He’s crazy, if you don’t agree with him, he’s mad, he throws a tantrum. I am always friendly with him because I feel for him.
Tim always asks me out to dinner or to a party, and I always turn him down. He doesn’t have much money, so if he needs something, I help him. However, lately, because I feel that he takes me for granted, I have been quietly pushing him away. Now Tim is becoming more and more destitute, both emotionally and financially. How can I end the friendship without kicking him out? – NEIGHBORS WITH VADA
DEAR NEIGHBORS: Friendship should be mutual. From your description of your relationship with Tim, it was all taking and nothing. Because this relationship has broken down, continue to refuse his invitations, stay away from him when he wants to dump his problems on you and stop giving him money.
Dear ABBY: I suffer from an incident that happened when I did not have the ability to argue or present facts that I disagree with. My father had given me permission to invite three of my college friends to a holiday dinner. The stepmother apparently objected.
A week before the meal, my stepfather started insulting me because I invited my friends, saying that I was out of line. He said, “Family vacations.” I was surprised by his speech because I was taught when I was in primary school that people invite others to a holiday to give thanks for what we have. This may include those who do not have family and are alone on this holiday. After that holiday, my stepmother told me that I would never have friends on any holiday again.
During the last 25 years or so, that painful experience comes to my mind, and I wish I had the ability to speak. What would you suggest should be the appropriate response, at that time, in this situation? — WANT TO BE CLOSED
LOOKING FOR A LOVED ONE: You could have told your adoptive mother that spending holidays with friends was never forbidden before she arrived, but now that she’s in charge, you and your friends will be celebrating somewhere else. I hope that in your growth you have used the principle of inclusion that is part of your nature.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
