HOW TO DO IT: We were briefed on the wedding plans of a friend’s daughter recently, and were surprised when the official invitation said “black tie optional.”
The black tie notation was a surprise to us, as we are a gay couple. We are not willing to buy or rent tuxedos for this event, so the question is whether we will attend at all.
My partner says he can be comfortable in a black suit, and the hosts and groomsmen will be fine with that, as black tie is optional. He also notes that what passes for “black tie” these days looks like a regular black suit with a few shiny bits and a black tie, so we wouldn’t stand out too much.
I conclude that “optional” means “requested,” and that the actual command is, “Black tie is expected so you can contribute to the atmosphere we’re trying to create. If you visit not formally dressed, we’ll be disappointed and maybe upset, but you won’t be banned from the door.”
I tend to decline an invitation for fear of upsetting the hosts, who are usually organized anyway, and not to disrespect the couple, who clearly want guests to help them make an impact on their special day.
Am I interpreting things correctly, or should I accept “if I choose” literally?
GOOD STUDENT: Your partner is right about what passes for black tie these days. And while you’re all right about the competing meaning of “black tie optional” in current usage, Miss Manners doesn’t know the happy couple, so she can’t say which one applies.
He would take “willingly” seriously.
Dear MISS WAY: After asking my dinner guests not to bring dishes, some still do.
My question is what do I do if Person A comes with a meal, and Person B — dear, dear Person B, who was polite and kind enough to take me at my word — sees the exchange.
Person B is always embarrassed and asks if they should have brought something. I usually say, “Oh, no! This isn’t a potluck. Person A just had a meal that he really wanted to share.”
But inside, I scream, “No, Man B, you have good manners—unlike this arrogant person!”
The problem is that B is not comfortable with my answer, even if I talk to them later and explain what happened. It is a very unfortunate situation.
I’m not worried about moving on to Person A; they are a lost cause. But how do I make things right for B, the dinner guest of dreams?
GOOD STUDENT: Short of throwing Person A’s meal at Person A’s feet, the way to show Person B that he was right when he talked to you is to make your evening.
If you are talking to Person B alone, add that you are very grateful for the courtesy of listening. Miss Manners is sure that, coupled with your obvious passion for the subject, will leave person B in doubt as to how she really feels.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
