Hi Eric: I was in love with a man 45 years ago who I loved more than anyone in my life. Then he married someone.
He didn’t tell me, I heard from my colleague.
I was able to pull myself together with a lot of advice. I married a beautiful man who loves me with all his heart, and I love him the same way.
I was able to stay away from the first man for many years. Recently, he has come back into my life through mutual friends. He is now married to a different woman.
When I see him and his wife, I get the flight-or-fight response and have to pull myself together.
He and I just had coffee together. Everything was going well until he said he wanted to let me know what kind of person I was in his life. I know he said it because he is old and dealing with health problems and wants to fix it before he dies. He cried and told me that he will always love me.
After a few days, I called him and asked him not to tell me that as it reminded me of past trauma. But now I can’t stop thinking about it.
I am 70 years old and cannot find a counselor of my age and experience who can help me. I don’t know how to control my emotions.
– Past Love
Dear Past: It may not have made him feel better, but it really wasn’t in your best interest. Making amends includes acknowledging the harm caused, apologizing and attempting to correct the wrongdoing, if possible. Telling you that he will always love you is not. That’s sentimentality and nostalgia and, in my opinion, unkindness.
But you are not stuck in his incomplete narrative. Focus on what you need.
Part of this is internal, forgiving any part of you that feels bad about holding on to the hurt and comforting the younger version of you that still lives inside you and clearly feels the pain.
Part of this is external: blocking her number and taking steps not to engage with her. A letter might help, express your forgiveness (if you do) but any friendship now is out of the question. You can also let both of your friends know that it’s best for you not to talk.
Also consider talking to a counselor who may not share your age and experience but has a background in treating past trauma. The most important thing is to remember that your feelings are not mistakes and what is happening to you does not have to define you.
Hi Eric: We are three women in our early 70s. We’ve been friends since high school. Now we live about an hour from each other. We all work and still drive.
The problem is that no matter what time we decide to meet, one friend is always late, even in his hometown. Not 10 or 15 minutes, but 45 to an hour.
Our last lunch date was at 1 pm He arrived at 2:50. We had eaten and were drinking coffee. He didn’t apologize, he sat down and ordered as if nothing was wrong!
Another friend of mine is tired, as is now the norm. I thought about telling the latecomer that we are meeting an hour before the actual time, but one of my friends says that it is disrespectful of us to have to wait for him every time we meet.
What can I do or say that has not been said or done?
– Every Time
Dear time: This habit is an obstacle, and it tells you that his time is more important than yours, or – perhaps worse – that he no longer values your time together. This may not be what he wants to talk about, so tell him what you feel.
There may be things that happen that make him late; he may find it more difficult to control his life than to continue living. But you can’t even accept it if no one talks about it.
Present it as an invitation to keep your friendship healthy. If you arrive after the agreed time, I feel bad and disrespected. I value your friendship and want to spend time with you. How can we fix this?
If you just give him the wrong time, hoping he’ll accidentally show up when you’re waiting for him, you’re taking on a lot of work and it’s going to keep you frustrated. It is better to admit what happened and ask him to participate in making future lunch dates successful.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
