Hi Eric: I regret wondering if I have become a de facto sugar daddy.
I am dating a 42 year old woman. I am 70 years old.
Many may think that the 28-year age gap is the first evidence of a sugar daddy/sugar daddy relationship. However, so far, the relationship has been very good, as it has been decorated with love, kindness, happiness and satisfaction.
He is an artist, and after he moved in with me I spent several thousand dollars building him an art studio. I have supported him financially and his work in many other ways, including giving him a monthly allowance.
Recently, he wanted me to buy him a computer. When I was abused, he got angry and accused me of not appreciating his art. The number of cases where he comes out with authority is increasing.
I’m thinking of breaking up with my largesse to see if we really have the strong, loving relationship that I think we do. I will still be his biggest vocal supporter and champion. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
– A Sweet Feast
A lovely deal: Sugar is in the eye of the beholder. That is, every relationship works differently, has different expectations, and asks different things of its participants.
You have the ability to define the relationship yourself. This is not an episode of “The Maury Povich Show”; no one will unilaterally declare that he is the father.
I have two suggestions. First, talk to your girlfriend about how your relationship is working and how you would like it to work. Use “I” statements, but don’t be afraid to express how you felt about his response in the online chat. Ask him what he wants and what he expects. This may clear things up for both of you.
Communication will help both of you. Try to think of specific ways in which you would like to be shown love and how you would like to show it. These conversations may not be easy and there may be hurt feelings. But it’s best to be honest about your fears and hopes.
Second suggestion: Instead of reducing your size, talk about that, too, in the form of a budget. Tapering feels, to me, like playing a game of chicken, each of you waiting for the other to cry foul. Instead, by being transparent about what money is spent on, and what money isn’t, you end up focusing on what’s really in your best interest: building and maintaining strong, loving relationships.
Hi Eric: My friend and I have been very close for over 50 years. Even though we lived in different states, we always met at least two or three times a year, usually because of trips abroad.
In the past three years something has changed and now it is rare to hear from him, let alone see him. It started after we got together on vacation at home, and it seemed like he was having trouble understanding.
I have contacted her husband several times, but he always says that he has been tested many times and can’t see anything.
For the third year in a row, he didn’t acknowledge my birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. This is the friend who always sends gifts!
I continued to reach out via text and snail mail. I have decided to let go of the relationship but I am struggling with it. We’ve always been very, very close. What is your opinion?
– A Long Distance Friend
Dear friend: It’s true that friendship often goes beyond seasons, and sometimes a good relationship will end without fault on both sides. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Even if your friend does not have cognitive problems, age, emotions and other life factors may cause changes that he does not follow.
She tells you that her husband told you to do a few tests, which suggests that they are curious about the changes they are seeing, and maybe they are worried.
Regarding your question about unfriending, I would suggest you do the opposite. You may have to let go of some aspects of friendship – communication patterns and styles may change; you can’t go together anymore. But if you don’t hear from him and there’s no apparent reason, it might be time to pay him a visit.
It’s much better to stay somewhere else and maybe come up with a plan that doesn’t need to be fun. Let her know you’ll be in town, of course, and contact her husband, if possible, so this doesn’t read like an ambush.
You may find that he has not responded; if so, it is better to accept that. But you may find that the kind of communication you missed can still happen face-to-face.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
