The (sigh) Twisted Childhood Universe is moving forward with it Bambi: Counting (now broadcasting to Peacock), another LOOK MA, I’M CHANGING! a riff on children’s favorite content that recently hit the public domain. Now, there’s something to be said for squeezing Disney into the tender parts of the bum, as that filthy corporation led the exploitation of available intellectual property nearly a century ago. But there are funny and/or smart and/or fun ways to do it, and then there’s TCU, which is two. Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey movies, Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare and this shifty deer pale, so far has shown an amazing ability to be cheap, racist and, worst of all, boring as hell. Pinocchio: Unstrung again Poohinverse: Monsters Unite they are reportedly on the deck, so I think it’s time to break out the Metamucil and get down to business looking at them.
Idea: We open with a raw storybook sequence where a baby deer watches a hunter kill his mother and then grows up to have his family killed by bulldozers representing Human Progress through Progress in Quote Marks. A company builds a place on earth and pollutes the water with toxic sludge and our deer friend drinks it and turns into a bloodthirsty deer the size of an antelope, with fierce eyes, dino spines, a strong blade of sharp teeth and an attitude. This is a problem. This is also (pause for maximum effect) BAMBI, MOTHERF—ER.
Just ask Xana (Roxanne McKee). He and his young son Benji (Tom Mulheron) take a cab and go into the forest to his father-in-law’s house. He and Benji’s dad are breaking up for seemingly normal reasons, but he doesn’t know half of it, because Pops is in cahoots with the gun-toting fartknockers hired by the aforementioned gang to hunt down and kill Bambi. Coverup city, man. Look, ol’ Bambs takes revenge on people and he doesn’t show a good god if people are complicit in all the abuse he endures or are just innocent bystanders. He just kills indiscriminately. He also seems to have mastered the art of decapitation and (checks notes) using door lizards with his hoof. You can’t say you’re an idiot.
So the film enlists a bunch of characters to kill off. The script doesn’t bother to explain who they are – some are bad guys, some are clearly Xana’s in-laws – and why bother, because they’ll be ripe for dead songs here soon. Significantly, there is Benji’s grandmother (Nicola Wright), who is not at all there and sits in a chair drawing dangerous deer drawings or wandering around the yard to say “Bambi” to the common side of the forest while her family fails to pay attention to her despite their knowledge of dementia that seems to be deteriorating. Gran’ma lived a long enough life, maybe. Oh, there’s also Benji’s young cousin (Joseph Greenwood) who is such a badass, he’s going to be chased out of the woods by Bambi and he falls face first into a doodoo summit and then gets up and finds a way to tie his head into a bear trap. Be warned, this is not nearly as fun as it sounds.
What Movies Will They Remind You Of? TCU is very similar to mockbuster junk in Sharknado or The Transmorphers The vein: Dirty CGI, an absurdly torn premise, zero original ideas and a marked need for the audience to be bombarded with suspense in order to endure.
Performances to Watch: I just can’t justify myself enough to justify completing this section. An apology. Go on, go on.
Sex and Skin: Nah.
Ours: BE THE EFF OF NATURE, BROS AND SISS. That is the message of Bambi: Countingstriving to bring evil, gory execution again he was flat out wrong about the dangers of destroying wildlife habitats. Because over time, species extinction and ecosystem change will damage the biodiversity that sustains biodiversity and the delicate cycles that define and sustain all life on Earth. And in a short time, you might get an antler on a donkey.
You won’t be at all surprised that a film that brings commentary is not prioritized over its desire to be another killer movie where the killer removes the characters one by one from the genetic subject, which would be a huge benefit, given how hopelessly stupid they all are. I think all these deaths are supposed to be funny, but except for the bear trap bit (note, it’s not nearly as good as the mousetrap bit in. Strategy: The Way of Revenge), this movie is ridiculously DOA. Gran’ma and little Benji wander around for no apparent reason other than the plot’s need for vulnerable people to be put at risk. As for that guy who really needs to take a whiz out of the woods? I had to catch it and use it in the house, my love.
Those are just a few cliches Bambi: Counting trots out. We also get the following: A crazy old lady who knows something about a killer (an episode that goes nowhere and is more of a passing moan than an actual episode), creepy taxidermy on the walls, the dreaded No Phone Signal area, a dirty old car that won’t start when you need it most and an old. where are the keys I can’t find the keys oh the keys are on the visor place. Now okay, go ahead, excuse me for watching this thing now, I’d love to see you try it. In the meantime, here’s another cliche for you: This movie is boiled butts soaked in old salt on the side of moldy beets, and sucking carp cloacas.
Our Phone: Cari-booooo. SKIP IT.
John Serba is a freelance film critic from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Werner Herzog lied once.
