Dear ABBY: My late husband was ill for six years. He developed some dementia. He was unable to work, and our life together changed dramatically. I focused on supporting him through his decline until he finally took his own life.
After his death, I discovered several secrets. He was not honest about his health condition, maybe out of shame or because he wanted to protect us from hardship. There were also secrets about his family that he might have been ashamed of. He also changed his inheritance plan without telling me. These secrets and betrayals show that he was not thinking about the impact of his death on me, and it has made me question my beliefs about our marriage.
I know that his decisions were not in line with my values - they were about his fear, shame, illness and preoccupation with other family matters. But I can’t tell people this because I want to preserve the love and respect of our older children for their father. Also, I don’t want to deal with other people trying to understand this crazy situation. This feels unfair, and I may not be able to trust again. Do you have any advice? — KEEPING SECRETS IN NEW ENGLAND
FAVORABLE LAST: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your husband. From what you wrote, it seems that the problems in your marriage started with family secrets in addition to your husband’s increasing dementia. My advice is to end all those secrets now. Telling your children the truth should not make them disrespect their late father. Whether the people you choose to confide in will understand doesn’t matter.
The most important thing is to free yourself from the prison of lies you find yourself in and talk to a mental health professional if it will help you better understand how to move forward.
Dear ABBY: My family is American, through and through. We had some European ancestry in the Ellis Island days, but we have been here for generations and we identify loosely with our European heritage. That being said, my husband and I were discussing names for our future children, and I mentioned that I would like to have a son named after my grandfather. His name was Jacques, but he was always called “Jack.”
If I were to use the name, I would want to spell it the same way to honor him, but I would feel awkward saying it the French way when I don’t identify as French, and I don’t have an expression. Is it OK to use the French spelling of the name and pronounce it the American way? – FORWARD PLANNING SOUTH CAROLINA
FAVORITE EDIT: You are a parent, and you can call your son whatever you want. Jacques will be his legal name if he chooses to use it on his birth certificate, but he can use “Jack” if he chooses. When he starts school, don’t forget to communicate with his teachers and administrators how to pronounce his name.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
