Dear HARRIETTE: When I was 18 years old, my parents told me that I was adopted.
Although I grew up in a safe home and was supported by my adoptive parents, I felt lied to because I was never told that it was not my birth family.
As I grew older, I began to search for my birth parents to understand where I came from and what my natural heritage was.
I am trying to let go of these feelings of betrayal and understand where my adoptive family came from.
Please advise me on ways to open the lines of communication while respecting my personal boundaries. I want to understand and stop being angry; however, I still want them to understand how painful this process has been for me.
– Adoption
WHAT TO DO: When parents have a child, they do it out of a great desire to welcome the child into their family. They want more than anything else to take care of this precious creature, and the child becomes theirs. Later it can be very difficult to find time to tell the child that he was born to other people.
Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. They love you. They welcome you into their world when, for whatever reason, your biological parents are unable to care for you.
This is always difficult – for you and for them. They told you when they thought you had the power to handle matters. Don’t shut them out.
Dear HARRIETTE: My son recently bought a motorcycle. I don’t know if this is some kind of midlife crisis, but I need help stopping him!
He is almost 40 years old and a single father. She is the only parent her daughter has, and I don’t want her to lose her because she has finally discovered her dark side. I was a nurse for over 25 years, and in that time, I have never seen a motorcycle rider survive an accident.
I have tried to talk to my son about this, reminding him of people who need it, but he believes that he is invincible and that vigilance can prevent disasters. She’s signed up for riding lessons, and thinks that will be her saving grace.
I don’t mean to sound paranoid, but I don’t think he realizes how dangerous this choice is, especially when he has a perfectly safe car to use. I am worried. How can I change his mind?
– Bike dad
DEAR BIKER DAD: You already know that you cannot control your son. What you can do is talk to her about safety measures and specific ways to protect her daughter. It’s good you’re taking lessons. What about insurance? Even though he is a young man, suggest that he buy a large life insurance policy – at least a million dollars – in his daughter’s name. Although money will not replace him, if he dies in an accident, there will be resources to take care of him.
Be careful not to keep complaining about his bike. You don’t want to draw a line from him. Just encourage her to be safe – and ask her not to take her daughter for a bike ride.
Harriette Cole is the founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people reach and make their dreams work. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
