DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have decided that we don’t want to have children. There are many reasons I won’t go into, but we believe they are good for us.
The problem is that both parents really want us to have children. We have been married for two years, and they have started asking all the time.
We were both upset and told them that we have been trying for a year but nothing. This is not true, but we have reached the peak.
Ever since we made this “confession,” everything has changed. Instead of the usual questions, now we get sympathy. My mother-in-law posts articles about fertility specialists. My mother has promised to pay for the treatment. They spoke to us in such a sad way that made me sad.
We’ve actually created a false narrative that we’re struggling with infertility, and I know that’s not something to take lightly.
At the same time, I don’t feel ready to have the “we never had kids” conversation. I know it will disappoint them, and I am not ready to be emotionally overwhelmed. I am also worried that they will think that we are taking away from them what they have been dreaming about.
Now I feel stuck. Do we come out and admit that we lied just to avoid the pressure?
— No Children
NO DEAR KIDS: Your marriage is just beginning, and you don’t know what the future holds. I didn’t plan to have children and the same thing happened to me – my family always bothered me about it.
My husband’s grandmother gave us a baby themed picture frame for our first wedding anniversary. The plans were loud. We ignored them. After a while, their pleas stopped.
Finally – for us – we got pregnant without planning and had a baby after 10 years of marriage. That was an amazing blessing. Whatever happens to you will be your life – with or without children.
I recommend that you talk to your families and tell them that you have decided not to have children yet. Thank them for their love and care. Ask them to stop asking you about it and let you live your life. Then do exactly that. Build a life of love together with whatever and whoever that brings you together.
Dear HARRIETTE: I have a small staff, and we work hard. One of the workers has been slacking off for months, not doing other parts of his job, making it a burden to others.
Recently, a loyal employee of mine dropped the ball on something and didn’t even apologize. I think the behavior of another employee is variable for him.
How can I rebuild the behavior at a time when I don’t have extra money?
— He is worried
BELOVED YOU ARE CONCERNED: Ask the negotiator what is going on that has caused the significant drop in productivity and accountability. Show that his behavior affects others. Listen to learn the reason behind the behavior change. Also talk to another employee and ask what’s going on.
Thank your employees for their loyalty and hard work, and ask them to renew their commitment. Promise to do everything in your power to support them.
If the slacker continues to produce less, look for another. One bad employee can poison the whole team.
Harriette Cole is the founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people reach and make their dreams work. You can send questions to toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
