Dear MISS WAY: My older daughters learn good manners from me. It was passed down from my mother. Elsewhere, old manners have been forgotten and new customs have been established by their husbands.
Examples of new etiquette are:
- Arms on the table.
- One foot on the chair with the knee attached to the top of the table.
- Embarrassing one’s food.
- Placing silver handles on the table with a spoon or fork turned on the plate.
- Eating before everyone sits down.
- When cutting food, hold the meat with the fork in an upright position.
Please help me? I am very angry, but I am afraid to speak.
I forgot the most important part: The new character has been adopted by my grandchildren, who are now grown up. I am very sad to see them without dignity.
GOOD STUDENT: What do you mean, “New Etiquette”?
Do you believe that if enough people do something wrong, that makes it right? Is shoplifting legal if enough people start doing it?
Miss Manners is at least relieved that your family’s transgressions are limited to sloppy eating, which does no harm to others. It might reflect badly on them, but not if everyone else they know eats the same way.
And, as we both know, despite Miss Manners being as crazy as you say, many are.
So he advises you to lose hope in old people. You have your chance, they know better, and they can still do better if they encounter situations where they are afraid to make a bad impression.
However, you may have an impact on your grandchildren. In general, making a bad impression is a more common concern among teenagers than adults. It has not occurred to them that a bad opinion has arisen about their table manners, especially because their peers are likely to eat the same way they do.
There are plenty of situations where your grandchildren may want to please the adults: college interviews, job interviews or meals with loving parents, for example. This may not be an immediate possibility – applicants for summer jobs are rarely tested for lunch – but it is possible in the near future.
Your grandchildren don’t know the rules – and the benefits that knowing them can provide. A wise way to teach them is to avoid criticizing their parents, which will be a struggle. Just invite them to a nice dinner, mention those anxiety-inducing situations, and ask to teach them how to code.
Dear MISS WAY: I received an envelope with a note on the bottom that said “hand delivered.” It will be treated the same as any other piece of mail that comes into my hands.
Am I within range of having good habits?
GOOD STUDENT: Congratulations on treating all envelopes with the same respect. But Miss Manners must know how to handle people.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
