Dear Eric: I am 35 years old and my father is 67 years old. We often talk about business, sports and politics. We talk alone and as a group with my wife and mother.
The problem is that my father asks me questions that are easy to look up on the internet. Most of the time they are irrelevant to the conversation and stupid.
I’ve brought up my issue with him doing this before and his response is that it “gives us something to talk about” and that we wouldn’t have anything to talk about if we lived by the motto “don’t ask if you can find an answer on Google.”
You have a brand new iPhone and you know how to use it. When he asks me questions, if I don’t know the answer, I google it and share, but I get frustrated. After a time or two I get short and want to end the conversation quickly.
Any advice to make our conversations more comfortable is greatly appreciated.
– Not Google
Dear Not Google: Although his ways may seem wrong, I think your father’s heart is in the right place and I would encourage you to think about it differently.
Although he has a good conversational relationship, there is still something about him that clearly feels the need to add more things to keep the conversation going. Maybe it’s something that’s really missing in your conversations, maybe it’s from his lack of self-confidence. It’s not for me to say. But try to think of these questions as contributions. He wants to hang out with you, and that’s a gift.
Now, not all gifts are what we want, of course. See if you can find interest in searching for answers. Try asking him questions about the results or ask him to find them and let you know instead.
There’s also something to be said for delving deeper into Wikipedia. A simple question like “Who was Princess Grace of Monaco married to?” it can lead to all kinds of factoids and curiosities. So, maybe the next time he asks, give him a simple answer and follow up with something that makes you happy.
Most importantly, however, every time you find yourself getting angry, see if you can reframe the request in your mind. It might help if you think of all the silly questions as your father’s way of saying, “I like talking to you and I want to keep doing it.”
Hi Eric: My 98-year-old father is living with dementia. Because it has not yet developed, he is painfully aware that his memory is failing.
He often recounts things – past and present – that are not true. Following the advice of the Alzheimer’s Association, our immediate family practices “therapeutic fibbing”: We accept whatever he says as truth to preserve his dignity.
It’s a tightrope to walk, but the hardest part isn’t the maintenance – it’s the silence. Several of my father’s lifelong friends stopped calling. I think they feel uncomfortable with conversations, which, to be honest, is not always easy. He misses them and has started worrying about doing something bad to drive them away.
My gut tells me to call these friends and give them a piece of my mind. I’d rather they skip his funeral so I can give him five minutes of their time now.
Since “embarrassing” them is not the best strategy, how can I encourage these old friends to reconnect with the man who needs them more now than ever?
I hope my Dad’s friends, or others, read this column as a wake-up call to reach out to those who may be suffering in similar situations.
– Caring for Dad
Dear Caregiver: You’re right, shame may not be a very effective tactic here. Instead, transparency may be the way to go. Try calling your father’s friends, giving them the full picture of what’s going on – in a way that you feel comfortable with while maintaining your father’s dignity and privacy.
Then ask directly: “I know these conversations aren’t always easy and can be painful, but would you call dad this week and talk for a few minutes?”
By making it clear, you are helping to isolate some of the difficult feelings they may be having – frustration, perhaps, sadness, guilt – and giving them what you hope is an easy one.
I also want to point out that what you are doing is a gift from your father, yes, but it is also a gift from his friends. Often, as you noted, we don’t know how to support sick friends. But it is important for everyone to remember that it is better to ask than to avoid.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
