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I wasn’t about to pile on Kristi Noem.
He did a terrible job, especially with ICE and FEMA, who seemed too busy promoting themselves–whether in a Salvadoran prison or riding a horse on Mount Rushmore–and President Trump fired him. He probably waited too long, but he fired him as Homeland Security secretary. End of story.
Until now.
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I know this sounds like gossipy tabloidism, but it directly involves the former secretary and, making it more difficult, raises the prospect of dismissal. And following the romance rumors he dispelled.
The Daily Mail, which has gathered a wealth of evidence, reports on the “secret life,” to use that catchphrase, of her husband, Bryon Noem.
There are several pictures of Bryon Noem, pink sweatpants and big fake breasts.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem testifies at her impeachment hearing in Washington in March 2026. (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Mail reporters have interviewed several “rogue” models who claim to have online relationships with Noem, who are tied to women who dream of becoming Barbie dolls with huge curves (far beyond the actual petite dolls). It’s called “bimbofication.”
This piece says Mr. Noem allegedly paid the women thousands of dollars for their work, sometimes making demands for rewards. I’ll spare you the uncomfortable details.
Kristi’s lawyers told the New York Post: “Ms. Noem is devastated. The family was shocked by this, and is asking for privacy and prayers at this time.”
The president told the Daily Mail that he was surprised to hear Noem’s family confirm the shocking report about his lewd behavior online.
“Did they confirm it? Oh, well, I feel bad for the family if that’s the case, that’s terrible,” Trump said on the phone.
But here is the important part. Noem, the Mail said, made no attempt to hide the extracurricular activities, giving the women her husband’s phone number with a voicemail message identifying his business.
The biggest concern, and the reason this is good news, is that Kristi may have been mistreated.
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Former CIA director Marc Polymeropoulos told the newspaper, “If a news organization can find this, you can think with great confidence that a rogue intelligence service knows this.”
The editor of Glenn Beck’s newspaper The Blaze said, “The entire GOP is full of depravity, at this point almost more than the Dems. And in this case, this was all known long before he was elected. It was an insane appointment.”
Okay, I think we’ve all had enough of that.
Bryon Noem, husband of former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, center, watches as Kristi Noem testifies during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing in Washington, DC, Tuesday, March 3, 2026. (Graeme Sloan/Bloomberg via Getty Images)
Let’s turn to the new DHS secretary, former congressman Markwayne Mullin.
As the New York Times reports, “Mullin has worked on small initiatives: briefing members of Congress on the effects of the government shutdown, attending White House meetings and making a video with the people he now oversees. ‘I think I have the greatest staff working at DHS. ever — I mean that sincerely,'” he said in the video.
Mullin still has to manage a mass deportation program that has fallen out of favor with the public—especially after the murders of two American citizens in Minneapolis. And he largely agrees with Trump’s radical views.
DHS SUPERINTENDENT KRISTI NOEM FACES CRIMINAL REFERRALS FROM CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS
In his confirmation hearings, Mullin said: “My goal in six months is to not be in the headlines every day. My goal is for people to understand that we are there, we are protecting them and we are working with them.”
It will be a difficult balancing act — especially since, for now, DHS funding has been frozen — except for TSA staff, by executive order — as the two sides can’t agree on a way to resolve the partial government shutdown.
What is clear is that Kristi Noem’s time is over, there is a new manager who wants to avoid headlines rather than seek them.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is sworn in before testifying during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, March 3, 2026. (Manuel Balce Ceneta/AP Photo)
Footnote: Jimmy Kimmel is taking heat for making disparaging remarks about Markwayne Mullin.
“I can’t make this clear, I’m not upset that the head of Homeland Security has been working with pipelines, what upsets me is that he hasn’t been a sponsor yet,” said Kimmel. “That’s right. We have a plumber protecting us from terrorism now. He worked for Super Mario. Why not Markwayne?”
This was widely criticized as undermining the working class.
“Secretary Mullin represents good-collar America, and failed comedian Jimmy Kimmel chooses to mock him for it,” a DHS spokesperson told Fox.
In addition, Mullin took the debt-ridden family company and expanded it into a large regional operation, including real estate and environmental services.
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Kimmel doubled down, despite the criticism. “I wouldn’t put a plumber in charge of Homeland Security for the same reason I wouldn’t call a five-star general to get a rat out of my toilet. OK? We all have our areas of expertise.”
Jimmy has a tin ear in this country.
