Dear Eric: Like most people, I struggle with yo-yoing weight. Over the past decades, I have joined many weight loss programs and reached my goal weight in each one (100 pounds being the most lost at one time).
I stick to each plan 99 percent of the time, I find the weekly weigh-ins very motivating.
I have found some good habits (exercise five to six times a week, greatly increased my vegetable intake, etc.) but I still overeat after my goal weight is reached and I no longer participate in the weekly public weigh-ins.
I still weigh myself at home but for some reason I don’t find it motivating me to cut back on my food intake.
Is there anything I can do to get the same motivation to lose weight without paying for a weekly social weigh-in program?
– Seek Inner Motivation
Dear Motivation: Sounds like you could really benefit from an accountable friend. Maybe it’s someone who’s trying to change their diet or their relationship with their body, or maybe it’s a friend or loved one who’s in your corner and focused on you. It can even be an online community – an established group or a small group that you cultivate.
From what you wrote it seems that the practice of measuring and reporting to others who know what your goals are is really encouraging. It also sounds like these are processes, in particular, that involve clear expectations but not shame.
You can build common ground by telling others what your goals are, what your expectations are, and asking them to see your journey. They can motivate you when you reach a goal and they can give you encouragement when you don’t.
Dear Eric: I receive a holiday card from a family consisting of a mother, father and daughter. They have a son who died in infancy a few years ago. They still put his name on the card. I think this is strange. Your thoughts?
– Card question
Dear Card Question: I don’t think it’s weird. But with respect, it doesn’t matter what you or I think about it at all. This is how this family processes a great loss. And, while it might not be a choice for some people, by including their son’s name on their holiday card, they are sharing a part of their life and their emotional journey with meaning. I see this weakness as a gift.
While it’s great to put a simple greeting on a holiday card, or any card, when we reach out to family and friends in this way, we invite them into our lives as those lives change and challenge us. I would guess that by putting their son’s name on their card, they are inviting the recipients to see their full family, as they see it – not bound by life, but love. Suffice it to say that their son is still their son and still important to them.
It’s okay if it’s not to your taste. Maybe don’t put it in your refrigerator or dresser. But next year, try to see it as an invitation into their lives. You don’t have to accept said invitation but consider thanking them for trusting you enough to make you an offer.
Hi Eric: I am deaf; I gradually became deaf and received a cochlear implant in December 1994. I wanted to respond to “Listening Ears,” a person with a hearing problem who did not want to get a hearing aid and for that reason became the subject of an intervention by his hearing impaired siblings.
I would recommend that “Hearing Jokes” join the Society of Elderly Deceased and attend some meetings in person or online. I also recommend joining the Hearing Loss Association of America and attending meetings in person or online. Most of these members (the vast majority) do not identify as deaf but are working to find peace of mind first for themselves and then for others.
It is a process of finding ways to deal with the hearing loss itself and dealing with feelings of shame and negativity. These people can share their stories and help “Hearing Humor” to find a place of inner peace.
– Community and Hope
Dear Community: Thanks for these great resources. Sometimes friends and loved ones won’t do what they need to do to fix a problem, medical, emotional, psychological, or otherwise. While it is important to support and sometimes encourage them, it is also important to remember that everyone has autonomy. We will not be forced to do what is right for us.
What I appreciate about your suggestions is that they give the author the tools to change his mind and overcome the internal barriers that prevent him from dealing with hearing loss in the first place.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
