Dear HARRIETTE: My best friend got married last year in Peru. She and her husband only invited family, wanting to keep the wedding small because of the budget.
When he told me that I was not invited, I tried to support him. I sent the gift, congratulated it and told myself to take it.
My fiancé and I are getting married this year, and we’ve been saving like crazy for a big wedding. Part of me doesn’t want to invite my best friend because I wasn’t invited to her wedding.
We’ve been friends for over 30 years – since we were little girls – so I couldn’t believe that something was different for me. I always think: If I wasn’t important enough to perform at his wedding, why should he have a seat at mine?
I know marriages aren’t tit-for-tat, but I can’t shake the feeling of being left out during one of the biggest moments of her life. Do I make excuses for feeling like if I wasn’t a part of his special day, he doesn’t need to be a part of mine?
– Uninvited
NOT INVITED: It sounds like she knows she’s a little person, but still can’t talk to her.
Tell him how upset you are about his decision to leave you and what you are going through with your marriage. Let this be an opportunity to clear the air.
His decision probably involved other people. Whether it was right or wrong, it happened. What do you want for your friendship to move forward? Work towards that goal.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a mother of one child, a son who will be going to college this year. Over the years, my son and I have built a strong and open relationship that fosters healthy communication.
As every parent understands, there will come a day when I won’t have knowledge of every aspect of his life, and he has to make his own decisions. I trust his decision making skills as he has done nothing to make me question his judgement; however, it is difficult to let go of my child at any age.
As he goes to college, I want to give him enough space to grow and evolve into his little self, but I want to keep the line open, too. How can you advise me to avoid helicopter parenting while still providing the right support and wisdom?
– Growth
FAVORITES ARE GROWING: Let your son know that you will always be there as a sounding board and support. Remind him that he is entering a new phase in his life where he will start making his own decisions. Suggest that he remembers the values you have instilled in him.
Encourage him to examine the options in front of him at every crossroads and consider which choice aligns with his beliefs. Remind him that if he is in doubt, he can always contact you to make up his mind about you.
You are a child. Show that you have instilled in him the basic values and beliefs that should guide his actions. Now is the time for him to use those tools.
Yes, you will make mistakes – we all do. If he continues to listen to the inner voice that reminds him of what is the right behavior, he should be fine.
If you can train him like this instead of always telling him exactly what to do, he will learn to let go and not be a helicopter parent.
Harriette Cole is the founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people reach and make their dreams work. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
