Dear ABBY: My cousin’s son, “Troy,” is getting married in eight months. I just discovered “keeping the date,” and I’m trying to decide if I should join it. The wedding is not in a situation, you need a trip and a hotel. Troy and I haven’t spoken in years.
He has never shown interest in ignorance. The last contact I had with him was a thank you note for his high school graduation gift eight years ago. One time, when Troy, his brother and his mother were supposed to spend a day or two visiting me while on vacation, they decided at the last minute to visit some relatives in California.
And last year, when family was supposed to come for Thanksgiving, they rented an Airbnb near my house, and then everyone made plans to do things without me. Needless to say, I was surprised to find her “keeping the date”.
Should I go? Should I go? Should I send a gift, or just convey my best wishes for a happy marriage, as I would any other stranger or acquaintance? – ARIZONA
DEAR BADILE: Because the relationship with this branch of the family is so distant, I don’t think you need to incur travel expenses to be there. However, a polite thing you can do to maintain some kind of family connection would be to send a gift to the happy couple, along with a card conveying your best wishes. (My intuition tells me that you probably won’t get compliments on your generosity, so don’t be disappointed.)
Dear ABBY: My sister-in-law, “Nancy,” and my wife have a bad relationship, but they love each other and talk often. Every now and then, Nancy gets violent with my wife. The anger stems from a nasty divorce Nancy went through 15 years ago.
We visited Nancy’s son (our niece), who lives with her ex, “Jim.” While we are there, we see both of them and enjoy a good time together. This angers Nancy, who feels that because (in her opinion) Jim was solely to blame for the divorce, we are disrespecting him by visiting him.
I think he should understand that we developed a relationship with him during their marriage.
We love Nancy, but we feel we have a right to maintain a relationship with her ex. Are we wrong? Should we pick a side since he hates her so much? – TEXAS NATIONALITY
DEAR THAT IS NOT BAD: Nancy is upset and bitter about leaving Jim, and she’s taking care of you and her sister. Time did not melt him. You are not wrong to maintain a relationship with your ex-brother-in-law.
As adults, you and your wife have the right to have a relationship with whomever you wish. (It’s also understandable that you’d want to maintain a relationship with your niece.) However, that said, it might seem wise for you both to reveal a little about your trip to Nancy because she’s sensitive and emotional about it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
