Dear HARRIETTE: My husband and I will celebrate our eighth year of marriage. Last year, we experienced apathy for the first time – as far as I know, anyway. And as you can imagine, it was difficult for us.
My husband cheated on me with a co-worker. Apparently, it was a kind of crushing work that increased. When I caught up, he said they crossed the line completely only once. He also quit his job and found a new one.
After a few months of being apart, I chose to take him back, but to be honest, I have been uncomfortable this past year.
I’m always worried about what he does when we’re not together, if he really goes where he says he’s going and if it was just a one time thing. I can’t tell if it’s my insecurities that lead me or my understanding.
How do I know if he has really changed or if he just got better at hiding his infidelity? How do I decide what to do with my marriage?
– Feeling Conflicted
BELOVED FEELS RELATED: Overcoming infidelity isn’t easy, but it sounds like your husband has already taken an important step in proving that he chooses you over whatever is going on with his partner.
Next, it would be good for both of you to go to therapy together. Talk about what’s going on in your relationship with professional support. Get to the bottom of the situation. Why does it happen? How can dishonesty be avoided in the future?
Talk about your feelings, goals and boundaries and how they are broken. Ask your husband to be willing to share his feelings with you so that you can both heal.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son lives with bipolar disorder. Throughout his life, his behavior has been a huge challenge – to me as his parent and to his younger sister, who looked to him for guidance.
Both of my children are grown now, and while my daughter still lives with me, my son doesn’t. Sometimes he will come to visit, and as long as he keeps his medical regimen, things are fine. However, when left untreated, they can become violent and disrupt our lives greatly.
I know loneliness is a painful thing, so I want to continue to be there for him and make space for him in my life, but in the last six months alone, he has been diagnosed at least three times in a state of insanity. If he is like this, he is very aggressive and can be very dangerous. Things have been like this for years.
How do I continue to protect myself and my daughter while hugging my son? Is there any way that my peace of mind and my son’s disorder can coexist?
– Attitude
STATE OF MIND: Research I’ve read suggests that you should show a lot of empathy and patience to people with bipolar disorder while maintaining personal boundaries.
You may need your son to take his medication to be allowed in your home. Contact local mental health services and make an action plan when he shows insanity. In time, you will realize that you are not willing to take him where he may be dangerous or violent.
And make sure she knows you love her and want to be there for her. He must do his part. For more, visit ghs-hdf.org/parenting-an-adult-child-with-bipolar-disorder/.
Harriette Cole is the founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people reach and make their dreams work. You can send questions to toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
