Hi Eric: I am an African American male in my 60s. No one would call me the most religious boy in the world, but the center of the church would not open and swallow me when I entered.
I have a white friend, who is proud of his Jewishness, that I have known since we were young. He spends as much time in synagogue as I do in church (which is to say, not much), but he always carries his religion as his badge of honor.
Admittedly, as a non-professional, I don’t agree with Jewish holidays. He calls me all the time saying “Hey, are you going to wish me a good Chanukah, or a good Rosh Hashanah?”
Tonight, you sent me some pictures of a religious festival. I did some decent reading on AI but could not find a Jewish holiday that is celebrated tonight.
How can I get my ex to take a cold pill?
– Not Religious
Dear non-religious: It sounds like he’s trying to share a part of his culture with you. Some Jewish people do not pretend or consider themselves observant but have a deep connection to Jewish culture and history. This is very important, like any other cultural tradition – race, nationality or religion.
So, when he says, “Wish me a Happy Chanukah,” he might say, “This is a big part of who I am, and it would be meaningful for you to see it and acknowledge it.” Maybe next time consider asking her “what do you do for Chanukah/Purim/et cetera? Tell me what it means to you.” You can also say, “Happy Chanukkah” and leave it at that.
For holidays you don’t know, it’s good to ask, “what holiday is this?” The Internet is also a great resource. I don’t recommend using AI for any information gathering, but there are human-written sites, like Judaism 101, that list the major holidays and provide explanations of their significance, if you’re curious.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have enjoyed hosting parties at home for many years. There are guests who like to bring a bouquet of flowers to thank them.
It’s a very kind gesture, but to be honest, it’s a hassle to deal with the flowers while you’re greeting other people and completing last-minute preparations for the gathering.
As alternatives, a small potted plant or flowers in a pot can be another way to thank the hosts without creating more work.
Yes, we always show appreciation to our guests who bring us bouquets, but would it be insulting to hand them a vase and scissors and ask them if they can arrange the flowers? Your thoughts?
– Flower Lover and friends
Flowers and Dear Friends: I don’t think it’s green at all. Some guests like to be given something to do while the hosts finish preparing dinner. If you can set them up with what they need and they won’t get in your way in the kitchen, give the vase a go without hesitation.
Dear Eric: I am a retired therapist who specialized in ADHD, working with adults and families and couples. I have ADHD too. I wanted to write about a letter from “I’m tired,” a friend who was recently diagnosed with ADHD and has started using it as an excuse for a new habit of being late, among other things.
A diagnosis, while in some ways liberating, is an explanation, not an excuse. Most of my ADHD clients have worked really hard to learn coping strategies to help them succeed in their lives and careers.
There are many behaviors that can be successfully managed. (The timers on our phones work wonders.) This Tired “friend” needs some accountability for his behavior, and when he got the diagnosis, he should have been given some guidance on symptom management.
Dr. Daniel Amen has written several excellent books on ADHD, including tips for families with children and adults with ADHD.
I’m sorry you’re tired and under a lot of pressure. Maybe it’s time to reassess his needs in this relationship, since his friend is showing less compassion.
– There are no excuses
Dear No Excuses: Thanks for this insightful idea. One of the problems that the writer of the first book was struggling with was the desire to be sympathetic and the feeling of being disappointed by a friend. And compassion goes both ways.
While things like being late are inevitable, it’s important to accept and take responsibility for the ways our actions affect others. The circumstances of life that we face do not make us bad or good, but it can greatly benefit this relationship for the author’s friend to say, “I know I’ve been waiting for you and I know it’s frustrating. I’m sorry.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
