DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and I were hired at a large technology company three years ago.
We were both very excited because the company is great to work for, and the compensation and benefits are competitive.
However, a friend of mine recently got a promotion, and it’s hard for me not to be jealous. Now he’s the big boss, and I’m still the boss.
I understand that everyone’s work looks different, but I feel stuck. I’ve been stuck in the same role for a long time, and I’m starting to feel ashamed. I have been trying to negotiate for roles internally and externally, but have had no luck.
It’s very difficult because we used to discuss our goals together, and now I feel like I’m falling behind. When he shares updates about his new commitments or big projects he’s leading, I try to support him, but inside I feel small. I find myself avoiding certain conversations because I don’t want to compare myself.
I have always considered myself ambitious and capable, so this period of feeling “stuck” affects my self-esteem.
I don’t want my jealousy to hurt our friendship, but I also don’t know how to shake this feeling of inadequacy. How do I genuinely support my friend while dealing with my disappointment in my work?
– No Comparison
BELOVED NO RATING: Set clear goals for yourself. Write them down and focus on achieving them. Find a mentor inside or outside your company who can encourage you.
You need someone more than your friend who can be there for you. This way, you can still be friends with him and you.
Dear HARRIETTE: I recently lost a significant amount of weight, and it has been a journey to adapt to a different lifestyle.
Most of my clothes don’t fit me well, my curves aren’t curvy like they used to be, and a lot of people feel it’s OK to comment on my new body.
I’ve never hated my body regardless of its size, but it’s been hard to learn how to maintain my new shape without fearing that I’ll gain the weight back at the end of the next meal.
I think that, because I’m losing weight instead of gaining, people feel more inclined to share their thoughts about it, but I’m working on creating respectful boundaries in my relationships. How do I create these boundaries around my body without seeming insecure or rude?
– My Body
LOVE MY BODY: People can get caught up when it comes to other people’s bodies, especially their weight. Even those with good intentions can cross boundaries without realizing it.
You may cause a little misunderstanding by talking, but it may be beneficial. The next time someone decides to give you a comment about your weight, stop them by saying, “Thank you for your concern, but I’d prefer if you kept that comment to yourself.” That may cause a reaction. If so, follow up and say, “I know you love me and care about me, but it’s hard for me to listen to the endless comments about my weight. Please stop.” If you say something like that a few times, most people will back off.
To regain your confidence, consider getting help. A big change in your body is a lot to process. A therapist can support you as you find comfort in your new body and develop healthy behaviors to support it.
Harriette Cole is the founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people reach and make their dreams work. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
