Dear ABBY: I am a gay man who has been married to a good man for seven years (all for 12). Throughout our relationship, my husband has experienced religious trauma that affects his desire (and energy) for intimacy. We’ve seen counselors, talked about it and faced the value we place on physical intimacy. Nothing has changed.
I love him, but I am always dissatisfied with my unmet needs. This, combined with other factors—including the limited acceptance of his family and many of those who live in our neighborhood—has led me to dismiss many of the issues in our marriage as “no problem.” Until now.
Two years ago, I started working on my degree in hopes of becoming independent and pursuing a career to support my interests. Now that I’ve graduated and started my career, I find my husband’s values and goals are even less aligned. I also met another man who seems to be more in line with what I want in my life, who expressed interest in you.
Although I didn’t want to end my marriage because of such a new relationship, the emotions that came out showed how far apart we had been from my husband—and for how long. I’m torn between staying in a marriage that has helped me, despite its problems, to find happiness, and breaking up after more than a decade together to pursue what I feel is best for me.
Is this just a seven year bite, or is this news enough to break up? I’m struggling and could use some insight. – ROADS IN IDAHO
FAVORITE ROUTES: It’s time for a long conversation with your husband about all the problems you wrote about in your book – sexual incompatibility, family problems, the fact that you are no longer happy living in a place because of the attitude towards homosexuality, and finally the fact that you have met someone.
You two are going through a lot, but you shouldn’t end the marriage without talking to each other about why it hasn’t been happy for a long time.
Dear ABBY: At work today, a colleague published a report and distributed it throughout my organization. In the report, they specifically referenced and highlighted a mistake I made in the previous product. Their comments damaged my reputation and could have been fixed with a simple phone call. Am I wrong to be angry? – DAMAGED IN MASSACHUSETTS
FAVORITE FARMING: For your colleague to do what he did was unhelpful and ineffective. I agree that this matter should have been handled privately. I don’t blame you for feeling bad, and I don’t blame you for feeling ashamed. That said, it was just one typo.
Although computer spell checkers are very reliable, nothing is completely foolproof. The next time you create a document for publication, ask someone to read it before you click “send.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
