Dear ABBY: Four years ago, after our family Christmas gathering, my brother-in-law texted me saying that I looked “cute” in my sweater. I replied, “Thank you.”
A year later, at a family gathering, he texted me asking about my car, which led to me being sexually assaulted. I tried to avoid his advances by being nice and guide them to what a husband and father he is. His response was, “Good answer!”
He kept coming up, until he sent me a picture of a naked woman taking a bath and asked me to send him a similar one, but me. Confused and insulted, I called my other sister for advice.
I then sent him a message telling him not to contact me again, I blocked him. I never told my sister (his wife) because I didn’t want to be a problem in their marriage. I was afraid that he would blame me.
One of my sisters said, “If he does this to you, he does it to others.” Five months later, he was caught. He had been dating many women for three years. He and my sister broke up, and he left, but my sister wanted him so badly that he couldn’t work.
Believe it or not, it took a few years, but now they are back together and doing great. Problem: I don’t want to see him again. Our family was hurt by him, and we don’t want him around us. My mom is turning 80 this year and wants a big party with ALL her family.
How do I tell my sister not to bring her husband? To make my sister happy, my mother forgave her, but the rest of us did not forgive her. How can we do this without hurting my mother or sister? — I CAN’T GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA
BELOVED I CAN’T GO: Your mother can have a milestone birthday like this one. Hold your nose, attend the event, be polite, avoid your sister’s husband as much as possible, and try to make the event as memorable as possible for your mother. When it’s over, don’t see this brother again until his funeral.
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Dear ABBY: I have not spoken to my daughter for seven years. When I got into trouble and was arrested for drugs, my daughter told me that she didn’t want her children around a drug user. Since then I have been clean and sober.
I text my daughter at least once a week. He has four children whom I have never met. He doesn’t answer my texts or my calls. I miss him a lot. I want a chance to show him that people can change for the better. I am sad and lonely without his family in my life. Should I stop? – MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER DID NOT ACCEPT HIM
DEAR YOU ARE NOT ACCEPTED: Your daughter may not believe in regeneration, or your bridges may have been burned seven years ago. Because you haven’t heard back in seven years, realize it’s time to stop pushing him as hard as you have been. Give him the space he wants and cultivate a relationship that will reward you.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
